Update to my Journey..

It's been quite a while since I blogged an update on this emotionally frustrating journey Josh and I have been on. I'm still with the Reproductive Medicine Group. Doctor Tarantino has been great, up until today. I'll get to that in a few minutes. I want to give an update to what's been going on. We took a pause when Josh was sick to help him with his anxiety and to help him get situated in school. We started back actively trying about 4 months ago. I was fired up and ready to do the IUI. I wasn't sure I'd have all the money needed to do it, roughly about $1100 with medication, but a miracle happened and we had it. All was in order, or so we thought. CD18 my body decided to crap out on me. Failed cycle, money spent...devastation! I picked myself up and stuck with it on a "monitoring" basis to just see what was going on. Success..things were going good..yet money was gone so we couldn't do the IUI. We still "tried" but it didn't happen..June, July, August comes and goes..negative once again. While we save money and not harass all of our friends and family about it while we silently wait to get the money to do the IUI I had to have a consult. This was today. Today Dr. T tells me (scares me) and pretty much says that he wants to get more aggressive in my treatment, which means more money. Alot more money. Also, greater risks of multiples. I'm still fighting for at least trying the IUI since this is what he wanted me to do all along, today for some reason it changed. I'm scared that I will never get pregnant. I am 32 going on 33 in 2 months. Time is ticking and I know this. I am so overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions right now and I don't know what to do. The possibility of getting a second opinion is there, but it really comes down to money. Insurance doesn't cover women who are having infertility issues, but yet they gladly cover abortions. This is very confusing for me to understand. For now, with a very heavy heart I have decided to leave it and step away. With everything going on in our lives, and Josh's dad needing surgery it's hard to think and deal with all of the emotions surrounding my infertility issues. It's not that I'm giving up. Although, sometimes I'm silently screaming this to the world. It's me taking a break. A good long break. I am praying that this is the right decision for me. I know that my body will most likely get all sorts of out of wack again and I hate that part the most. It's hard to turn off the desire to be a mom, that will still be there. I'm going to do my best to find something else to do to preoccupy me in hopes that my body might actually relax some. I want you all to keep praying for me, but please don't ask me about it. I seriously don't want to talk or even think about it after this month. Hey.. if I'm pregnant come the end of September, even better! After my break, when we are ready I will decide if I want to continue with the Reproductive Medicine Group or if I want to try out the Florida Fertility Institute. For now.. my journey stops here.