November update

I wanted to post an update on our journey. I've gone through quite a few rounds of clomid. Dr. berg increased me to 100mg. Blood test confirmed I have been ovulating, but very late in the cycle according to my smiley faces!  The side effects are horrible! I wouldn't wish clomid side effects on anyone! I actually just finished my last one of this cycle last night. Sadly..(or happily if I get pregnant) this will be my last round of clomid for now. Dr. Berg can't go any further with me, so I'm being referred once again go another specialist. At this point I think Josh and I have decided to give it all we got this cycle and try and pray like crazy that it happens, but if it doesn't it's time for us to take another step back. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's frustrating! Plus my body physically can't handle another round of hormones. The holidays are coming and I really don't want to be a crazy woman! So for now, especially the next 4 weeks I ask you all to join with me in prayer that this is our time! I'll update soon!

The Solid Smiley Face!

Another month has nearly come to an end or as I know it cd (cycle day). This morning something that I haven't seen before occurred. A solid smiley face! For those who understands TTC terms will understand just how excited one gets over something as simple as a smiley face. I'm different this month. Maybe because I actually see results and I've finally (hopefully) figured out just how late my body ovulates..when it decides to. It's exciting to see and I'm praying everything will just fall into place now. Oh it's cd23..yep I really late bloomer! I'll get my blood work in 7 days and will see what my progesterone levels are. Fingers and toes crossed!

Life not Death!

I decided to blog about this since I had a million thoughts racing through my head as I drove into work this morning. As I went to bed last night I checked my e-mail and I normally do and saw a prayer request for the West Pasco Pregnancy Center. For Some reason last night I was drawn to reading it. In summary, today two abortion vulnerable women will meet for the first time and discuss their "options" My heart sank to even think about abortion as an "option". I am a Christian and 100% pro-life. These babies are a precious gift from God and to even think about ending their life is such a horrible thing. I know some may say to me that I am over sensitive to anything baby because of my struggle with infertility. Well, I can honestly tell you that if I had 5 babies I would still feel the same way. Babies are a gift from God and if it turns out that I never can conceive I will still feel as strongly as I now about this. I don't know that I will be able to conceive. That is something I battle with daily. It's painful, no one knows just how painful it is, but as a child of God I must be obedient and wait on His timing. If the window for me closes, then I know it was not in His plan for me and maybe some other little boy or girl is out there somewhere waiting on me to be their mom. Their mom must have chosen life in order for them to have a chance at life. So please pray with me today that these two women will open up their hearts and will chose life for their unborn babies!

Onward!

Big Fat Negative..again! No tears were shed this time. I am beyond that in my journey. I say a prayer for God to prepare my heart each time I take one of those dreaded tests. I understand it's still not in His timing for me to be pregnant. My heart does ache, especially since I dreamt 3 times in the past week that I was pregnant. I was actually having my 3rd this morning when I woke up. I think it's just my heart wanting it so badly that I have started to dream about it. I'll stop by the Pharmacy and get my next round of Provera/Clomid today. Dr. Berg increased me to 100mg so this should be an interesting month of side effects. Poor Josh..I do feel bad for him having to deal with me as I deal with this. Well.. onward I go! Chin up..Never Give up the fight! Continue to send prayers our way!

Clomid Baby

My next round of fertility meds has begun. I took my 1st Clomid tonight. I'm praying this round the side effects  aren't so bad. Hot flashes, mood swings you name it, I had it! It's all worth it in the end if I finally get my BFP! I'm praying this will be my month and if it's not I'll keep on going until I reach my month. It does seem like everyone I work with is pregnant. It's ridiculous. I literally saw 5 pregos just going down to get water today. I'm seriously wondering what water fountain they are using? Haha anyways..my next journey had begun. Praying Praying Praying for that miracle Clomid baby!!

I understand

I've come a long way in this emotional journey. I never really understood why everyone else around me was getting pregnant until today. I know it was The Lord speaking to me telling me to be patient and wait on his timing. He has it all under control. Yes, I've heard this more times than I can count. I never really listened and understood. It's because I didn't like the answer. I am not a patient person. I want results. My Pastor chatted with me a few months ago about this and he told me that this was a trial that God was putting me through. My thoughts were..oh just a trial ok..thanks! I recently met with a counselor to help me manage my stress level and my infertility came up. She listened to everything I had to say and then told me to honestly think about the place I am in now. With all the stress and the financial issues putting a baby in the mix she asked me what would a baby do to me? It was really the 1st time I actually stopped and thought about it. Yes, I would manage. I always do, but would I go insane in the process from exhaustion? I absolutely would. I woke up this morning with the verse from Psalms on my mind. That's why I posted it on FB today. The one verse.."Be Still and know that I am God" kept screaming out to me. Be Still..I admit I haven't been still. I want what I want, when I want it. Well, I understand now. I truly do understand. I will wait and be patient, though it will be such a struggle for me. I know I will have days where I will be screaming saying c'mon God I'm ready now. He knows the plan for my life and knows the answer to my question..when? I haven't been going through any fertility treatments since my last post on my blog. Honestly, I don't know when I will start back and if I will even need them. I'm putting my faith in God an trusting in his promise for my life. He knows the desires of my heart to be a mom and I know one day he will bless Josh and I with that precious baby. For now...I wait.