One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Overall the new RE was great. She listened to my concerns and made me feel comfortable about the next steps of our journey. Yes, we have next steps that I will get into in a few minutes. First I will get into the scary horrible part of me now at age 37, having PCOS has a 1% chance of conceiving on my own. Only 1%. This breaks my heart to even say the words. It literally is hopeless for me and Josh to do this on our own without treatment. I've cried more than I have over this in a while. Because the perfect family I used to see in  my head is slowly fading away.That is reality and it's horrifying that two people who want a child as much as we do can't have one. It's unfair, and incredibly heartbreaking. 

Dr Henne assured me that she would not force me into a treatment plan that I was not comfortable with. I decided on another round of IUI. With IUI, my chances of conceiving and having a live birth is 30%. Much better than the 1% but still not guarantee, as we know with my already failed IUI attempt. 

I had a flicker of hope with this new plan. IUI the 1st few weeks of December. My hopes of having the greatest Christmas news ever dwindled away by one phone call. The financial counselor to discuss my fertility treatment plan. I had expected the IUI to be somewhere around $300 as having done this before, plus the ultrasounds and medication. I still have a little left on my HealthCare Savings card to use for this. All was in order in my head, until I was blindsided with the cost of $700 plus medication due upfront! 

I question this, and try to absorb what she is telling me about when credit is applied if a cycle fails in the middle, but all I could do on the phone with the lady is start sobbing. Ugly cry sobbing about how unfair it is for fertility treatments such as this is so expensive and not covered by insurance, nor do they accept payments. I quietly tell her thank you and apologized for sobbing in her ear and tell her we will have to postpone this until after the holidays so that I have time  to get the rest of the money for treatment. I have to still call into the nurse to tell them since she has no control over scheduling. 

So today was one step forward and two steps back. Just when I think I am going in the right direction and we are going to do this, something happens to prevent it. And it makes me question again, why am I continuing to do this to myself. My body has betrayed me and it's not going to give me what I am made to do. 

I almost feel like praying for the desire to be a mom to go away. That makes me feel like a monster, but it's the only way I can think of to get my life back because this is not the life I planned on living. Consumed with new studies of PCOS patients, or the latest Fad diet that has "proven results" to boost your fertility. Fake smiling over pregnancy announcements. Holing myself up on Mother's Day. Dying inside every time someone asks me if I have Children, followed by "why, do you not want kids" 

So for now, the plan for IUI in a few weeks is no longer a plan and this makes me feel numb.