Who you are?

Disney's Moana found who she was. I love that Movie and have watched it like 4 times in a week. Disney is simple. I wish our story can simply have a Happily Ever After. I want a family, a career that  I wake up every morning inspired and excited to start my day. I want to pack school lunches and drop him or her off at school. I want teacher parent meetings, and recitals and ball games. I am made to be a mom, so why has this not happened? Where in life did things get so out of whack for me? Why do I have this horrible endocrine disorder. I know who I am, who I want to be. There is a huge wall between who I am, and who I want to be and I am trapped on the wrong side. It's heartbreaking! I yell and scream and fight but I can't break free. Always trapped in this life that I'm stuck in.

Angry Valentine

It's my favorite time of year. Or it should be. Valentine's Day is literally in a few days. I should be gushing over hearts and flowers and baking heart shaped cupcakes. But I'm not. I just can't because I'm so angry. Once again I've allowed PCOS and my infertility to creep into full focus and ruin this time for me. I've literally been peeing on a stick for 15 days straight and still no "peak". I've called the bouncey smiley a few choice words as well, each morning getting more angry. I told Josh I've probably either missed my LH surge or I'm not getting one this cycle. Since I have taken so many of the 2 month supply of tests I'll just finish them off and will purchase cheep ones off Amazon. There are no words to explain how extremely frustrating and heartbreaking this is for me. I want to give up. Seriously, I've come close many times but this month I literally am so tired of this. I'm gone from angry to sobbing. (Thanks PCOS, your are a real bitch) Seriously, why are all these teenagers and single ladies that don't want kids that take the night after pill or have abortions allowed to conceived when I so desperately want this more than anything and I can't get a stupid smiley face to stop flipping bouncing. This is a rough one for me. All of them have been rough but this one for some bizarre reason felt different for me. I was hopeful popping my vitamins Morning and night. Taking my herbal tea with me to work. Staying on Shakeology, using my essential oils. I felt like this was finally going to be it for us. But according to that darn bouncing smiley we aren't even going to having a chance. So this Valentine's Day, I'm fine with being home alone, because what's the point anyways.

2017 - Lucky 13

Everyone always looks at me funny when I say "Lucky 13". I know its associated with Friday the 13th and bad stuff.  I've always said lucky 13 because, well I was born on the 13th. Several of my good friends also were born on the 13th. Its not so bad!

This is a new year and our 13th year of trying to have a baby. I'm not going to lie. Its absolutely exhausting! All the invaisve trips to the doctor, blood work, painful testing. Then there is the medication, the horrible side effects that last for weeks if I'm lucky enough to not get a UTI, yeast infection or cyst I'm golden or so I hoped I would be, but no double pink lines on my pee stick that's way overpriced for something that gets peed on and then thrown (with force) in the trash can. And the cost of it. I actually made the stupid mistake of guestimating how much over the last 12 years I've spent just on fertility treatment, medication, acupuncture, supplements, etc. That itself made me bawl, I could have put a child through college.

So here is to a new year, 2017. Lucky 13! Please Lord, hear our prayers and make it our year!

Keep Walkin'

I'm finally ready to write about our heartbreaking results. If it hasn't been obvious the IUI cycle was another failure for us. I did everything I could to make sure this would work, and it just didn't. We don't know why. I've gone over this time and time again wondering if I did something that made it not work. I literally didn't workout, take any medication at all. I had my shake everyday. No baths, but lukewarm showers. I listened to music during the day to attempt to limit stress. Why did this not work? Only God knows the answer to this. Not our time. But when? I don't expect most of you to understand the place I am coming from, but I assure you that it's frustrating beyond anything you could ever possibly imagine. The money saved for this round of IUI is gone and my miracle baby is still yet to arrive. No double pink lines for me yet. Someday I pray I'll have that joy of seeing positive results. For now, I dry my tears and as Toby says "move, keep walkin.."

It's just a backache

Actually, it's not just a backache. For me it's worrying if I have another ovarian cyst forming. It's excruciating back pain, that nothing can relieve. It's not being able to sleep or get comfortable enough to even dream about sleeping. And to think I still have 7 days of hormones I still must take. The very thought of taking those pills makes me want to scream. I'm so sick of everything. The fertility treatments, the uncomfortable smiling when I'm around a pregnant co-worker while everyone goes on and on about the pregnancy. This is one of my down moments. Let me tell you. I'm way down. So down I actually had the thought of quitting. That's scares me the most. The thought of me actually contemplating giving up my journey and saying that's it. I'm never going to be a mom. I honestly don't think I could do it. Time will tell. I'm gearing up for my next IUI. For now, I lie awake in bed with tears of the baby I so long for, while dealing with this annoying backache.

Soul Cyster

The phrase "Taking a break" has a meaning for everyone. Instantly when I hear that phrase I think of Ross and Rachel. Because, well you know that I am a Friends fanatic. For couples TTC taking a break is a breathe of fresh air. Its time to get away from OPKs and to enjoy each other without having a set schedule. My breathe of fresh air gave me the mental clarity that I needed to come up with a new game plan. Everyone needs a game plan right? For me not having a plan would lead to anxious thoughts because I am a clearly visible person. Josh and I decided to return to The Reproductive Medicine Group, but not with Dr. Tarantino. I have heard great things about Tarantino and personally know three couples who have successfully conceived with him. For me, It wasn't a good fit. The reason being, he didn't listen to me. I mean really listen to my concerns. He tried a few rounds of clomid, but never suggested to increase the dosage. He tried a few rounds of femera, and Hcg injections, but again never suggested to increase them. As you all know I started the process of having my first IUI (Intrauterine insemination) a few years ago. Everything was going great, until my follicles stopped growing. I had to abort the cycle and money I raised was gone. I was heartbroken.  Dr. T wanted to rush me into IVF, no questions asked. This is where I draw the line. I see IVF as playing God and is against my (and Josh's) beliefs. Granted, some of my close friends have been though IVF and they have sweet babies. I do not judge them, and I am so happy they have their miracle baby! For me and Josh personally this is our view. Back to him not listening to me. He crammed this down my throat. IVF is a VERY expensive procedure costing thousands of dollars. I finally had to tell them to stop calling the house and mailing me packets with payment methods. Enough was enough. I personally was done with Dr. Tarantino. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I returned after a long break to see Dr. McCormick. She was a breath of fresh air just meeting her. She listened to my concerns, and asked me the dreaded question that I already suspected, and asked Dr T about years ago. She asked if I knew what PCOS was. It's Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I provided the link here if you are curious in reading what it is. As I exhaled, I said yes. I have suspected this for years but Dr. T wouldn't listen and test me for it. She ordered blood work and a 2 hour glucose test. Upon my doctor visit I see that my testosterone levels were way too high for me, being a woman. It explains the excess hair growth, the sensitivity to sugars, the irregular and complete absence of cycles, the ability for me to lose weight and keep it off. (i have to work my booty off to lose it) Everything came clearly into focus for me. This disease has taken control of my body and has wreaked havoc for years because it went untreated. I knew deep down from my own research that this is what was wrong with me, but actually hearing the words was extremely hard to take in. I bawled in the doctors office. I cried for the heartache that Josh and I have gone through. I cried for all the injections Josh had to give me. I cried for the painful tests, and medications that literally but my body through hell. This was all for nothing, because my PCOS was not under control. The what ifs starting flooding my thoughts. What if this was treated? Would I have a child that is almost 9 years old? Would we have a larger family? What if.. what if?  After my days of accepting this, and chatting with 3 of my good girlfriends and understanding that this is my new beginning. I finally have answers! I have PCOS and now its time for me to fight back! I will not let this defeat me or steal any more of my joy. I will get this under control and will get pregnant! This coming Friday I have to do another dread HSG (dye test). As painful as it is, I know this is what I must do in order to move forward in my treatment. I am slowly changing my diet to Paleo. No sugars, No carbs, No red meat, no processed foods. It's not much different that the FitGirlsGuide. It just takes different thinking and planning of meals. In the end, its better for Josh and I to eat this way anyways. So today I stand up wearing Teal because I am a PCOS "Cyster".

"Nature Made"

Tonight while getting ready for bed I glance at my bottle of vitamins on the night stand. Prenatals. A wave of anger that I haven't felt in while came over me and I literally almost threw the bottle across the room. I think to myself I've been taking these stupid vitamins for over 8 years and nothing. Why is that some women have no problem and I've been struggling for so long? It's frustrating and beyond exhausting to even put into words. I've managed it pretty well for a while, or am I just fooling myself to believe that I have been? I just want to be a mom. That's not asking too much. The struggle is real and tonight just out of no where this stupid bottle of vitamins brought up all the emotions that I had tucked away. I'm 34 years old and feel that my life is just passing me by and I'm missing all the chances I have to be a mom and live my life with my family and to just be happy.