Still Trying!

I felt I needed to post an update. Still no baby. Next IUI will be in a few months. I have to get myself healthy first. This bronchitis took a major toll on my body. I need to be healthy when I am TTC so that I can't make up new excuses for why the test still says negative. (that is if it does say negative). 

I want to stay hopeful, but my hope is dwindling down. I am getting older and it sometimes seem out of my reach to have a family. 

For now, I am still trying and fighting. I have yet to throw in the towel. 

Too Sweet or Not Sweet Enough?

Metformin is a diabetes medication that is sometimes used to regulate hormones in women with PCOS by balancing their insulin level. This effect leads to more regular menstruation and ovulation cycles, according to WebMD. 

This definition failed to mention that if you are a PCOS patient and have managed to work your tail off to lose weight and are no longer a pre-diabetic that Metformin can cause a sudden drop in insulin levels. 

Lastnight was rough. I allowed myself a cheat of having one roll, a scoop of stuffing and a taste of some yummy desserts. It was Thanksgiving, so I was being thankful of the delicious food that lay before me! Plus, I had ran a 5k that morning and was absolutely starving! My sugar was normal. I call it after Thanksgiving normal. 

I started on Metformin lastnight. My mom had warned me that it might bring my sugar down some. With me having had another slice of Pumpkin Pie, surely It would just level me out to normal. 

Well..after relaxing my sore muscles in a warm bath I was brushing my hair and I felt so strange. Like my. Insides were shaking, my head felt very swimmy, and almost like I was going to faint. By the time I went to find Josh and let him know something was wrong my whole body was shaking and he said for me “check your sugar!”

I did, it was 60.  Way too low for me. I drank some juice, wait 20 mins check again. 67. Still needs to go up. I have nothing in the house to help. I grab Josh’s caffeine free soda and start chugging. Wait 20 mins..stick my finger, not once but 3 times bc I’m like my dad and my finger won’t bleed anymore. Finally I managed to squeeze it enough for the meter to read it. 87! I’m good with that. So I called it a night and went to bed. 

So now as I lay in bed early on Black Friday morning I prick my finger again to check my sugar. It’s 107 so I’m still good. 

Is this the next thing that I have to battle in my journey for a baby. I’m either too sweet or not sweet enough. I know I can use Slim and Sassy essential oils to regulate my levels, but I’m not a diabetic! I shouldn’t have this problem!! 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Overall the new RE was great. She listened to my concerns and made me feel comfortable about the next steps of our journey. Yes, we have next steps that I will get into in a few minutes. First I will get into the scary horrible part of me now at age 37, having PCOS has a 1% chance of conceiving on my own. Only 1%. This breaks my heart to even say the words. It literally is hopeless for me and Josh to do this on our own without treatment. I've cried more than I have over this in a while. Because the perfect family I used to see in  my head is slowly fading away.That is reality and it's horrifying that two people who want a child as much as we do can't have one. It's unfair, and incredibly heartbreaking. 

Dr Henne assured me that she would not force me into a treatment plan that I was not comfortable with. I decided on another round of IUI. With IUI, my chances of conceiving and having a live birth is 30%. Much better than the 1% but still not guarantee, as we know with my already failed IUI attempt. 

I had a flicker of hope with this new plan. IUI the 1st few weeks of December. My hopes of having the greatest Christmas news ever dwindled away by one phone call. The financial counselor to discuss my fertility treatment plan. I had expected the IUI to be somewhere around $300 as having done this before, plus the ultrasounds and medication. I still have a little left on my HealthCare Savings card to use for this. All was in order in my head, until I was blindsided with the cost of $700 plus medication due upfront! 

I question this, and try to absorb what she is telling me about when credit is applied if a cycle fails in the middle, but all I could do on the phone with the lady is start sobbing. Ugly cry sobbing about how unfair it is for fertility treatments such as this is so expensive and not covered by insurance, nor do they accept payments. I quietly tell her thank you and apologized for sobbing in her ear and tell her we will have to postpone this until after the holidays so that I have time  to get the rest of the money for treatment. I have to still call into the nurse to tell them since she has no control over scheduling. 

So today was one step forward and two steps back. Just when I think I am going in the right direction and we are going to do this, something happens to prevent it. And it makes me question again, why am I continuing to do this to myself. My body has betrayed me and it's not going to give me what I am made to do. 

I almost feel like praying for the desire to be a mom to go away. That makes me feel like a monster, but it's the only way I can think of to get my life back because this is not the life I planned on living. Consumed with new studies of PCOS patients, or the latest Fad diet that has "proven results" to boost your fertility. Fake smiling over pregnancy announcements. Holing myself up on Mother's Day. Dying inside every time someone asks me if I have Children, followed by "why, do you not want kids" 

So for now, the plan for IUI in a few weeks is no longer a plan and this makes me feel numb. 

Fork in the Road

I’m all emotions tonight as I lay awake in bed. I honestly don’t know what to think. Happy thoughts of course, but with a guarded heart. I’m now 37 years old. The chances of a healthy 37 year old getting pregnant is against them. Here I am, PCOS, non-existent cycles, no ovulation and I’m putting myself out there once again in order to (try) to start our family. It’s hard, and extremely scary to start down the road that I unfortunately know so well. Surely, I’ve found my fork in the road and I’m going down the correct path. I know nothing about USF IVF, maybe that’s a good thing. Only time will tell.

Who you are?

Disney's Moana found who she was. I love that Movie and have watched it like 4 times in a week. Disney is simple. I wish our story can simply have a Happily Ever After. I want a family, a career that  I wake up every morning inspired and excited to start my day. I want to pack school lunches and drop him or her off at school. I want teacher parent meetings, and recitals and ball games. I am made to be a mom, so why has this not happened? Where in life did things get so out of whack for me? Why do I have this horrible endocrine disorder. I know who I am, who I want to be. There is a huge wall between who I am, and who I want to be and I am trapped on the wrong side. It's heartbreaking! I yell and scream and fight but I can't break free. Always trapped in this life that I'm stuck in.

Angry Valentine

It's my favorite time of year. Or it should be. Valentine's Day is literally in a few days. I should be gushing over hearts and flowers and baking heart shaped cupcakes. But I'm not. I just can't because I'm so angry. Once again I've allowed PCOS and my infertility to creep into full focus and ruin this time for me. I've literally been peeing on a stick for 15 days straight and still no "peak". I've called the bouncey smiley a few choice words as well, each morning getting more angry. I told Josh I've probably either missed my LH surge or I'm not getting one this cycle. Since I have taken so many of the 2 month supply of tests I'll just finish them off and will purchase cheep ones off Amazon. There are no words to explain how extremely frustrating and heartbreaking this is for me. I want to give up. Seriously, I've come close many times but this month I literally am so tired of this. I'm gone from angry to sobbing. (Thanks PCOS, your are a real bitch) Seriously, why are all these teenagers and single ladies that don't want kids that take the night after pill or have abortions allowed to conceived when I so desperately want this more than anything and I can't get a stupid smiley face to stop flipping bouncing. This is a rough one for me. All of them have been rough but this one for some bizarre reason felt different for me. I was hopeful popping my vitamins Morning and night. Taking my herbal tea with me to work. Staying on Shakeology, using my essential oils. I felt like this was finally going to be it for us. But according to that darn bouncing smiley we aren't even going to having a chance. So this Valentine's Day, I'm fine with being home alone, because what's the point anyways.

2017 - Lucky 13

Everyone always looks at me funny when I say "Lucky 13". I know its associated with Friday the 13th and bad stuff.  I've always said lucky 13 because, well I was born on the 13th. Several of my good friends also were born on the 13th. Its not so bad!

This is a new year and our 13th year of trying to have a baby. I'm not going to lie. Its absolutely exhausting! All the invaisve trips to the doctor, blood work, painful testing. Then there is the medication, the horrible side effects that last for weeks if I'm lucky enough to not get a UTI, yeast infection or cyst I'm golden or so I hoped I would be, but no double pink lines on my pee stick that's way overpriced for something that gets peed on and then thrown (with force) in the trash can. And the cost of it. I actually made the stupid mistake of guestimating how much over the last 12 years I've spent just on fertility treatment, medication, acupuncture, supplements, etc. That itself made me bawl, I could have put a child through college.

So here is to a new year, 2017. Lucky 13! Please Lord, hear our prayers and make it our year!