Still Trying!

I felt I needed to post an update. Still no baby. Next IUI will be in a few months. I have to get myself healthy first. This bronchitis took a major toll on my body. I need to be healthy when I am TTC so that I can't make up new excuses for why the test still says negative. (that is if it does say negative). 

I want to stay hopeful, but my hope is dwindling down. I am getting older and it sometimes seem out of my reach to have a family. 

For now, I am still trying and fighting. I have yet to throw in the towel. 

Too Sweet or Not Sweet Enough?

Metformin is a diabetes medication that is sometimes used to regulate hormones in women with PCOS by balancing their insulin level. This effect leads to more regular menstruation and ovulation cycles, according to WebMD. 

This definition failed to mention that if you are a PCOS patient and have managed to work your tail off to lose weight and are no longer a pre-diabetic that Metformin can cause a sudden drop in insulin levels. 

Lastnight was rough. I allowed myself a cheat of having one roll, a scoop of stuffing and a taste of some yummy desserts. It was Thanksgiving, so I was being thankful of the delicious food that lay before me! Plus, I had ran a 5k that morning and was absolutely starving! My sugar was normal. I call it after Thanksgiving normal. 

I started on Metformin lastnight. My mom had warned me that it might bring my sugar down some. With me having had another slice of Pumpkin Pie, surely It would just level me out to normal. 

Well..after relaxing my sore muscles in a warm bath I was brushing my hair and I felt so strange. Like my. Insides were shaking, my head felt very swimmy, and almost like I was going to faint. By the time I went to find Josh and let him know something was wrong my whole body was shaking and he said for me “check your sugar!”

I did, it was 60.  Way too low for me. I drank some juice, wait 20 mins check again. 67. Still needs to go up. I have nothing in the house to help. I grab Josh’s caffeine free soda and start chugging. Wait 20 mins..stick my finger, not once but 3 times bc I’m like my dad and my finger won’t bleed anymore. Finally I managed to squeeze it enough for the meter to read it. 87! I’m good with that. So I called it a night and went to bed. 

So now as I lay in bed early on Black Friday morning I prick my finger again to check my sugar. It’s 107 so I’m still good. 

Is this the next thing that I have to battle in my journey for a baby. I’m either too sweet or not sweet enough. I know I can use Slim and Sassy essential oils to regulate my levels, but I’m not a diabetic! I shouldn’t have this problem!! 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Overall the new RE was great. She listened to my concerns and made me feel comfortable about the next steps of our journey. Yes, we have next steps that I will get into in a few minutes. First I will get into the scary horrible part of me now at age 37, having PCOS has a 1% chance of conceiving on my own. Only 1%. This breaks my heart to even say the words. It literally is hopeless for me and Josh to do this on our own without treatment. I've cried more than I have over this in a while. Because the perfect family I used to see in  my head is slowly fading away.That is reality and it's horrifying that two people who want a child as much as we do can't have one. It's unfair, and incredibly heartbreaking. 

Dr Henne assured me that she would not force me into a treatment plan that I was not comfortable with. I decided on another round of IUI. With IUI, my chances of conceiving and having a live birth is 30%. Much better than the 1% but still not guarantee, as we know with my already failed IUI attempt. 

I had a flicker of hope with this new plan. IUI the 1st few weeks of December. My hopes of having the greatest Christmas news ever dwindled away by one phone call. The financial counselor to discuss my fertility treatment plan. I had expected the IUI to be somewhere around $300 as having done this before, plus the ultrasounds and medication. I still have a little left on my HealthCare Savings card to use for this. All was in order in my head, until I was blindsided with the cost of $700 plus medication due upfront! 

I question this, and try to absorb what she is telling me about when credit is applied if a cycle fails in the middle, but all I could do on the phone with the lady is start sobbing. Ugly cry sobbing about how unfair it is for fertility treatments such as this is so expensive and not covered by insurance, nor do they accept payments. I quietly tell her thank you and apologized for sobbing in her ear and tell her we will have to postpone this until after the holidays so that I have time  to get the rest of the money for treatment. I have to still call into the nurse to tell them since she has no control over scheduling. 

So today was one step forward and two steps back. Just when I think I am going in the right direction and we are going to do this, something happens to prevent it. And it makes me question again, why am I continuing to do this to myself. My body has betrayed me and it's not going to give me what I am made to do. 

I almost feel like praying for the desire to be a mom to go away. That makes me feel like a monster, but it's the only way I can think of to get my life back because this is not the life I planned on living. Consumed with new studies of PCOS patients, or the latest Fad diet that has "proven results" to boost your fertility. Fake smiling over pregnancy announcements. Holing myself up on Mother's Day. Dying inside every time someone asks me if I have Children, followed by "why, do you not want kids" 

So for now, the plan for IUI in a few weeks is no longer a plan and this makes me feel numb. 

Fork in the Road

I’m all emotions tonight as I lay awake in bed. I honestly don’t know what to think. Happy thoughts of course, but with a guarded heart. I’m now 37 years old. The chances of a healthy 37 year old getting pregnant is against them. Here I am, PCOS, non-existent cycles, no ovulation and I’m putting myself out there once again in order to (try) to start our family. It’s hard, and extremely scary to start down the road that I unfortunately know so well. Surely, I’ve found my fork in the road and I’m going down the correct path. I know nothing about USF IVF, maybe that’s a good thing. Only time will tell.

Who you are?

Disney's Moana found who she was. I love that Movie and have watched it like 4 times in a week. Disney is simple. I wish our story can simply have a Happily Ever After. I want a family, a career that  I wake up every morning inspired and excited to start my day. I want to pack school lunches and drop him or her off at school. I want teacher parent meetings, and recitals and ball games. I am made to be a mom, so why has this not happened? Where in life did things get so out of whack for me? Why do I have this horrible endocrine disorder. I know who I am, who I want to be. There is a huge wall between who I am, and who I want to be and I am trapped on the wrong side. It's heartbreaking! I yell and scream and fight but I can't break free. Always trapped in this life that I'm stuck in.

Angry Valentine

It's my favorite time of year. Or it should be. Valentine's Day is literally in a few days. I should be gushing over hearts and flowers and baking heart shaped cupcakes. But I'm not. I just can't because I'm so angry. Once again I've allowed PCOS and my infertility to creep into full focus and ruin this time for me. I've literally been peeing on a stick for 15 days straight and still no "peak". I've called the bouncey smiley a few choice words as well, each morning getting more angry. I told Josh I've probably either missed my LH surge or I'm not getting one this cycle. Since I have taken so many of the 2 month supply of tests I'll just finish them off and will purchase cheep ones off Amazon. There are no words to explain how extremely frustrating and heartbreaking this is for me. I want to give up. Seriously, I've come close many times but this month I literally am so tired of this. I'm gone from angry to sobbing. (Thanks PCOS, your are a real bitch) Seriously, why are all these teenagers and single ladies that don't want kids that take the night after pill or have abortions allowed to conceived when I so desperately want this more than anything and I can't get a stupid smiley face to stop flipping bouncing. This is a rough one for me. All of them have been rough but this one for some bizarre reason felt different for me. I was hopeful popping my vitamins Morning and night. Taking my herbal tea with me to work. Staying on Shakeology, using my essential oils. I felt like this was finally going to be it for us. But according to that darn bouncing smiley we aren't even going to having a chance. So this Valentine's Day, I'm fine with being home alone, because what's the point anyways.

2017 - Lucky 13

Everyone always looks at me funny when I say "Lucky 13". I know its associated with Friday the 13th and bad stuff.  I've always said lucky 13 because, well I was born on the 13th. Several of my good friends also were born on the 13th. Its not so bad!

This is a new year and our 13th year of trying to have a baby. I'm not going to lie. Its absolutely exhausting! All the invaisve trips to the doctor, blood work, painful testing. Then there is the medication, the horrible side effects that last for weeks if I'm lucky enough to not get a UTI, yeast infection or cyst I'm golden or so I hoped I would be, but no double pink lines on my pee stick that's way overpriced for something that gets peed on and then thrown (with force) in the trash can. And the cost of it. I actually made the stupid mistake of guestimating how much over the last 12 years I've spent just on fertility treatment, medication, acupuncture, supplements, etc. That itself made me bawl, I could have put a child through college.

So here is to a new year, 2017. Lucky 13! Please Lord, hear our prayers and make it our year!

Keep Walkin'

I'm finally ready to write about our heartbreaking results. If it hasn't been obvious the IUI cycle was another failure for us. I did everything I could to make sure this would work, and it just didn't. We don't know why. I've gone over this time and time again wondering if I did something that made it not work. I literally didn't workout, take any medication at all. I had my shake everyday. No baths, but lukewarm showers. I listened to music during the day to attempt to limit stress. Why did this not work? Only God knows the answer to this. Not our time. But when? I don't expect most of you to understand the place I am coming from, but I assure you that it's frustrating beyond anything you could ever possibly imagine. The money saved for this round of IUI is gone and my miracle baby is still yet to arrive. No double pink lines for me yet. Someday I pray I'll have that joy of seeing positive results. For now, I dry my tears and as Toby says "move, keep walkin.."

It's just a backache

Actually, it's not just a backache. For me it's worrying if I have another ovarian cyst forming. It's excruciating back pain, that nothing can relieve. It's not being able to sleep or get comfortable enough to even dream about sleeping. And to think I still have 7 days of hormones I still must take. The very thought of taking those pills makes me want to scream. I'm so sick of everything. The fertility treatments, the uncomfortable smiling when I'm around a pregnant co-worker while everyone goes on and on about the pregnancy. This is one of my down moments. Let me tell you. I'm way down. So down I actually had the thought of quitting. That's scares me the most. The thought of me actually contemplating giving up my journey and saying that's it. I'm never going to be a mom. I honestly don't think I could do it. Time will tell. I'm gearing up for my next IUI. For now, I lie awake in bed with tears of the baby I so long for, while dealing with this annoying backache.

Soul Cyster

The phrase "Taking a break" has a meaning for everyone. Instantly when I hear that phrase I think of Ross and Rachel. Because, well you know that I am a Friends fanatic. For couples TTC taking a break is a breathe of fresh air. Its time to get away from OPKs and to enjoy each other without having a set schedule. My breathe of fresh air gave me the mental clarity that I needed to come up with a new game plan. Everyone needs a game plan right? For me not having a plan would lead to anxious thoughts because I am a clearly visible person. Josh and I decided to return to The Reproductive Medicine Group, but not with Dr. Tarantino. I have heard great things about Tarantino and personally know three couples who have successfully conceived with him. For me, It wasn't a good fit. The reason being, he didn't listen to me. I mean really listen to my concerns. He tried a few rounds of clomid, but never suggested to increase the dosage. He tried a few rounds of femera, and Hcg injections, but again never suggested to increase them. As you all know I started the process of having my first IUI (Intrauterine insemination) a few years ago. Everything was going great, until my follicles stopped growing. I had to abort the cycle and money I raised was gone. I was heartbroken.  Dr. T wanted to rush me into IVF, no questions asked. This is where I draw the line. I see IVF as playing God and is against my (and Josh's) beliefs. Granted, some of my close friends have been though IVF and they have sweet babies. I do not judge them, and I am so happy they have their miracle baby! For me and Josh personally this is our view. Back to him not listening to me. He crammed this down my throat. IVF is a VERY expensive procedure costing thousands of dollars. I finally had to tell them to stop calling the house and mailing me packets with payment methods. Enough was enough. I personally was done with Dr. Tarantino. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I returned after a long break to see Dr. McCormick. She was a breath of fresh air just meeting her. She listened to my concerns, and asked me the dreaded question that I already suspected, and asked Dr T about years ago. She asked if I knew what PCOS was. It's Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I provided the link here if you are curious in reading what it is. As I exhaled, I said yes. I have suspected this for years but Dr. T wouldn't listen and test me for it. She ordered blood work and a 2 hour glucose test. Upon my doctor visit I see that my testosterone levels were way too high for me, being a woman. It explains the excess hair growth, the sensitivity to sugars, the irregular and complete absence of cycles, the ability for me to lose weight and keep it off. (i have to work my booty off to lose it) Everything came clearly into focus for me. This disease has taken control of my body and has wreaked havoc for years because it went untreated. I knew deep down from my own research that this is what was wrong with me, but actually hearing the words was extremely hard to take in. I bawled in the doctors office. I cried for the heartache that Josh and I have gone through. I cried for all the injections Josh had to give me. I cried for the painful tests, and medications that literally but my body through hell. This was all for nothing, because my PCOS was not under control. The what ifs starting flooding my thoughts. What if this was treated? Would I have a child that is almost 9 years old? Would we have a larger family? What if.. what if?  After my days of accepting this, and chatting with 3 of my good girlfriends and understanding that this is my new beginning. I finally have answers! I have PCOS and now its time for me to fight back! I will not let this defeat me or steal any more of my joy. I will get this under control and will get pregnant! This coming Friday I have to do another dread HSG (dye test). As painful as it is, I know this is what I must do in order to move forward in my treatment. I am slowly changing my diet to Paleo. No sugars, No carbs, No red meat, no processed foods. It's not much different that the FitGirlsGuide. It just takes different thinking and planning of meals. In the end, its better for Josh and I to eat this way anyways. So today I stand up wearing Teal because I am a PCOS "Cyster".

"Nature Made"

Tonight while getting ready for bed I glance at my bottle of vitamins on the night stand. Prenatals. A wave of anger that I haven't felt in while came over me and I literally almost threw the bottle across the room. I think to myself I've been taking these stupid vitamins for over 8 years and nothing. Why is that some women have no problem and I've been struggling for so long? It's frustrating and beyond exhausting to even put into words. I've managed it pretty well for a while, or am I just fooling myself to believe that I have been? I just want to be a mom. That's not asking too much. The struggle is real and tonight just out of no where this stupid bottle of vitamins brought up all the emotions that I had tucked away. I'm 34 years old and feel that my life is just passing me by and I'm missing all the chances I have to be a mom and live my life with my family and to just be happy. 

November update

I wanted to post an update on our journey. I've gone through quite a few rounds of clomid. Dr. berg increased me to 100mg. Blood test confirmed I have been ovulating, but very late in the cycle according to my smiley faces!  The side effects are horrible! I wouldn't wish clomid side effects on anyone! I actually just finished my last one of this cycle last night. Sadly..(or happily if I get pregnant) this will be my last round of clomid for now. Dr. Berg can't go any further with me, so I'm being referred once again go another specialist. At this point I think Josh and I have decided to give it all we got this cycle and try and pray like crazy that it happens, but if it doesn't it's time for us to take another step back. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's frustrating! Plus my body physically can't handle another round of hormones. The holidays are coming and I really don't want to be a crazy woman! So for now, especially the next 4 weeks I ask you all to join with me in prayer that this is our time! I'll update soon!

The Solid Smiley Face!

Another month has nearly come to an end or as I know it cd (cycle day). This morning something that I haven't seen before occurred. A solid smiley face! For those who understands TTC terms will understand just how excited one gets over something as simple as a smiley face. I'm different this month. Maybe because I actually see results and I've finally (hopefully) figured out just how late my body ovulates..when it decides to. It's exciting to see and I'm praying everything will just fall into place now. Oh it's cd23..yep I really late bloomer! I'll get my blood work in 7 days and will see what my progesterone levels are. Fingers and toes crossed!

Life not Death!

I decided to blog about this since I had a million thoughts racing through my head as I drove into work this morning. As I went to bed last night I checked my e-mail and I normally do and saw a prayer request for the West Pasco Pregnancy Center. For Some reason last night I was drawn to reading it. In summary, today two abortion vulnerable women will meet for the first time and discuss their "options" My heart sank to even think about abortion as an "option". I am a Christian and 100% pro-life. These babies are a precious gift from God and to even think about ending their life is such a horrible thing. I know some may say to me that I am over sensitive to anything baby because of my struggle with infertility. Well, I can honestly tell you that if I had 5 babies I would still feel the same way. Babies are a gift from God and if it turns out that I never can conceive I will still feel as strongly as I now about this. I don't know that I will be able to conceive. That is something I battle with daily. It's painful, no one knows just how painful it is, but as a child of God I must be obedient and wait on His timing. If the window for me closes, then I know it was not in His plan for me and maybe some other little boy or girl is out there somewhere waiting on me to be their mom. Their mom must have chosen life in order for them to have a chance at life. So please pray with me today that these two women will open up their hearts and will chose life for their unborn babies!

Onward!

Big Fat Negative..again! No tears were shed this time. I am beyond that in my journey. I say a prayer for God to prepare my heart each time I take one of those dreaded tests. I understand it's still not in His timing for me to be pregnant. My heart does ache, especially since I dreamt 3 times in the past week that I was pregnant. I was actually having my 3rd this morning when I woke up. I think it's just my heart wanting it so badly that I have started to dream about it. I'll stop by the Pharmacy and get my next round of Provera/Clomid today. Dr. Berg increased me to 100mg so this should be an interesting month of side effects. Poor Josh..I do feel bad for him having to deal with me as I deal with this. Well.. onward I go! Chin up..Never Give up the fight! Continue to send prayers our way!

Clomid Baby

My next round of fertility meds has begun. I took my 1st Clomid tonight. I'm praying this round the side effects  aren't so bad. Hot flashes, mood swings you name it, I had it! It's all worth it in the end if I finally get my BFP! I'm praying this will be my month and if it's not I'll keep on going until I reach my month. It does seem like everyone I work with is pregnant. It's ridiculous. I literally saw 5 pregos just going down to get water today. I'm seriously wondering what water fountain they are using? Haha anyways..my next journey had begun. Praying Praying Praying for that miracle Clomid baby!!

I understand

I've come a long way in this emotional journey. I never really understood why everyone else around me was getting pregnant until today. I know it was The Lord speaking to me telling me to be patient and wait on his timing. He has it all under control. Yes, I've heard this more times than I can count. I never really listened and understood. It's because I didn't like the answer. I am not a patient person. I want results. My Pastor chatted with me a few months ago about this and he told me that this was a trial that God was putting me through. My thoughts were..oh just a trial ok..thanks! I recently met with a counselor to help me manage my stress level and my infertility came up. She listened to everything I had to say and then told me to honestly think about the place I am in now. With all the stress and the financial issues putting a baby in the mix she asked me what would a baby do to me? It was really the 1st time I actually stopped and thought about it. Yes, I would manage. I always do, but would I go insane in the process from exhaustion? I absolutely would. I woke up this morning with the verse from Psalms on my mind. That's why I posted it on FB today. The one verse.."Be Still and know that I am God" kept screaming out to me. Be Still..I admit I haven't been still. I want what I want, when I want it. Well, I understand now. I truly do understand. I will wait and be patient, though it will be such a struggle for me. I know I will have days where I will be screaming saying c'mon God I'm ready now. He knows the plan for my life and knows the answer to my question..when? I haven't been going through any fertility treatments since my last post on my blog. Honestly, I don't know when I will start back and if I will even need them. I'm putting my faith in God an trusting in his promise for my life. He knows the desires of my heart to be a mom and I know one day he will bless Josh and I with that precious baby. For now...I wait.

Update to my Journey..

It's been quite a while since I blogged an update on this emotionally frustrating journey Josh and I have been on. I'm still with the Reproductive Medicine Group. Doctor Tarantino has been great, up until today. I'll get to that in a few minutes. I want to give an update to what's been going on. We took a pause when Josh was sick to help him with his anxiety and to help him get situated in school. We started back actively trying about 4 months ago. I was fired up and ready to do the IUI. I wasn't sure I'd have all the money needed to do it, roughly about $1100 with medication, but a miracle happened and we had it. All was in order, or so we thought. CD18 my body decided to crap out on me. Failed cycle, money spent...devastation! I picked myself up and stuck with it on a "monitoring" basis to just see what was going on. Success..things were going good..yet money was gone so we couldn't do the IUI. We still "tried" but it didn't happen..June, July, August comes and goes..negative once again. While we save money and not harass all of our friends and family about it while we silently wait to get the money to do the IUI I had to have a consult. This was today. Today Dr. T tells me (scares me) and pretty much says that he wants to get more aggressive in my treatment, which means more money. Alot more money. Also, greater risks of multiples. I'm still fighting for at least trying the IUI since this is what he wanted me to do all along, today for some reason it changed. I'm scared that I will never get pregnant. I am 32 going on 33 in 2 months. Time is ticking and I know this. I am so overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions right now and I don't know what to do. The possibility of getting a second opinion is there, but it really comes down to money. Insurance doesn't cover women who are having infertility issues, but yet they gladly cover abortions. This is very confusing for me to understand. For now, with a very heavy heart I have decided to leave it and step away. With everything going on in our lives, and Josh's dad needing surgery it's hard to think and deal with all of the emotions surrounding my infertility issues. It's not that I'm giving up. Although, sometimes I'm silently screaming this to the world. It's me taking a break. A good long break. I am praying that this is the right decision for me. I know that my body will most likely get all sorts of out of wack again and I hate that part the most. It's hard to turn off the desire to be a mom, that will still be there. I'm going to do my best to find something else to do to preoccupy me in hopes that my body might actually relax some. I want you all to keep praying for me, but please don't ask me about it. I seriously don't want to talk or even think about it after this month. Hey.. if I'm pregnant come the end of September, even better! After my break, when we are ready I will decide if I want to continue with the Reproductive Medicine Group or if I want to try out the Florida Fertility Institute. For now.. my journey stops here.

Miracles

"When you speak from your heart and say the words only your soul has dared to whisper, that's when miracles happen"... Celebrate the miracles you have been blessed with and never give up on the miracle you dream of and hold in your heart!

A thought..

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone